Was watching the baby-girl ...

this morning & realized Nintendo DS is the gateway drug to the iPod Touch.

~

The baby-girl discusses Canadian politics

(walking home from school today, discussing what they're learning in grade 5 Social Studies)


MeMe:       We're learning about the different political parties.

Mommy:    Oh? Like what?

MeMe:       We're learning what they care about.

Mommy:    OK. What`d you learn about ... the Green Party?

MeMe:       We learned they love the environment.

Mommy:   What'd you learn about the NDP?

MeMe:       It's really sad Jack Layton died.

Mommy:   What'd you learn about the Progressive Conservatives?

MeMe:      They're people of business.

Mommy:   And what'd you learn about the Liberal Party?

MeMe:      They want everyone to be HAPPY ... 
                  I'm pretty sure I'm a Liberal.

~

Just cleaned the baby-girl's closet

The kid has more yoga pants than Lululemon & is to hoodies what Imelda Marcos is to shoes.

And yet, has barely any underwear.

That's my girl.

~

Hilarious things MeMe said/did # 2,243,613

The baby-girl and I were in the bathroom.
I was sitting on the edge of the tub, helping her get ready for bed,
before I took my own shower ...

Me: "Have you put lotion on your face?"

She: "Nuh uh."

Me: "Use that little bit that's on your hands ... just rub it on your face."

She: "Why, mama?"

Me: "Because it's good for your skin ... it keeps you looking younger."

She: *pause

         "Here, mommy, I'll put some on your neck for you" ...

         *rubs her hands on my neck ...

         "and your boobs"

~

Last Friday Night ...

If Katy Perry was a mommy,
she would've had a very different Last Friday Night ...

(click HERE for original video/music link so you can sing along ;)

There's a toddler in my bed,
And she’s pounding on my head
Goldfish all over the room
Someone’s bike is in the pool
I smell like granola bar
Ken is melted in the yard
Barbie's on the barbeque
Guess they’re gonna miss their cruise

What a crazy night
But we’re all alright
Just nude
Oh well
That's a crayon blur
But I'm pretty sure it ruled                                                                                             

Damn

Last Friday night
Cracked their heads on tabletops
And behind on all their shots
They need baths but I forgot

Last Friday night
Yeah, we lost our hockey cards
And fell off the monkey bars
So we hit the ice cream hard

Last Friday night
We lost Bobby in the park
Kid just wandered in the dark
Then showed up in someone’s bra
Last Friday night
Childless neighbours are in awe.
Always hope we're gonna stop-op
Whoa-oh-oah

This Friday night
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again

Trying to protect the tots
Don't know what to tell the cops
A minivan our only car
PTA is at the door
Gawd, this place is such a mess
But these kids are just the best
Think I need a nice cool ale
That was such a mommy fail

What a crazy night
But we’re all alright
Just nude
Oh well
That's a crayon blur
But I'm pretty sure it ruled

Damn

Last Friday night
Cracked their heads on tabletops
And behind on all their shots
They need baths but I forgot

Last Friday night
Yeah we lost our hockey cards
And fell off the monkey bars
So we hit the ice cream hard

Last Friday night
We lost Bobby in the park
Kid just wandered in the dark
Then showed up in someone’s bra
Last Friday night
Childless neighbours are in awe
Always say they wish we’d sto-op
Oh whoa oh

This Friday night
Do it all again
Do it all again
This Friday night
Do it all again
Do it all again
This Friday night

T ... G ... I ... F...
T ... G ... I ... F...
T ... G ... I ... F...
T ... G ... I ... F...
T ... G ... I ... F...

Last Friday night
Cracked their heads on tabletops
And behind on all their shots
They need baths, but I forgot

Last Friday night
Yeah, we lost our hockey cards
And fell off the monkey bars
So we hit the ice cream hard

Last Friday night
We lost Bobby in the park
Kid just wandered in the dark
Then showed up in someone’s bra
Last Friday night
Childless neighbours are in awe
Always say they wish we’d stop
Oh-whoa-oh

This Friday night
Do it all again

~

All moms know ...

nearly every peaceful moment, during the summer, is ruined by the phrase

"EEEEEW! What's that?"

~

anyone who just overheard me ...

would think I was babysitting gangsters, not little girls:

"Let's not get crazy & have a sit-down, before someone gets whacked."

:D

Asks MeMe: Where's Baby Blankie? ...

Mommy: Check the dryer.

MeMe: Found him! He was in the dryer!

Mommy: Is baby blankie a girl or a boy?

MeMe: Kinda both. It depends. It changes.

Mommy: So it's a trans-gendered baby blankie?

MeMe: No. Polar fleece.

~

Guess who's on Tooth Fairy duty AGAIN?

Second time this week. Fourth time in a month.

Someone PLEASE buy this kid a pony,
so she'll stop ripping her teeth out for cash.

~

Listening to 3 little girls in my kitchen ...

making s'mores with the Easy Bake oven.

I smell something burning and suspect it's probably my nerves.

~

I'm smart enough to know ...

the tap tap tap on my arm in the grocery store
and "Mommy, we're outta icecream cones"

doesn't mean we're out of icecream cones, it means we're out of waffle cones

I also know the big cute eyes mean I'm gonna spend the next hour & a half
suffering through Gnomeo and Juliet.

~

it's important to be specific, so mommy doesn't have a heart-attack

Baby-girl (in the fridge): "Thank you for getting old!"

Me: "Uh. PARDON ME???"

Baby-girl: "Cheese. Thank you for getting old cheddar."

Me: "Thank you for clarifying..."

~

Says the baby-girl: We're getting a new principal at our school...

Me: Oh? How do you know?

Baby-girl: I met him. He came to my french class.

Me: What's his name?

Baby-girl: I don't remember.

Me: Was he nice?

Baby-girl: I don't remember.

Me: Was he old or young?

Baby-girl: I dunno.

Me: Well, was he older than me?

Baby-girl: Mommy! I don't KNOW!

Me: Well, was he younger or the same age or what?

Baby-girl: MOMMY!

Me: Do you remember ANYTHING?

Baby-girl: Yeah. He was TALLER than you.

~

So you think you want kids, do ya?

In the middle of the busy grocery story with the baby-girl:

She leans her head on my arm, looks up at me sweetly, and exclaims loudly

"Poor mommy has her period."

To all the pregnant women out there: THIS is your future.



:D

EVIDENTLY ...

screaming "I'll be your baby, Justin!" at the TV,
while the baby-girl is watching the Bieber movie, is embarrassing.

So I asked her what I could possibly know about embarrassing;

I walked around with baby-puke on my t-shirt for 6 months.

~

Overheard on the way home from school...

4th grader:               HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

Crossing-guard:       I've been waiting all week to hear that!

4th grader:              How was I supposed to predict your feelings???

~

was supposed to be on Tooth Fairy duty ...

AGAIN last night. 

Totally forgot ... and had to have a long conversation with the baby-girl this morning, explaining the productive inefficiency of non-profit organizations.


~

Hilarious things MeMe said: #5,033,528

After I took a shower, I asked the baby-girl to put lotion on my back.

She said, “Um. Mommy? I think I should do your butt too!"

I asked why.

She exclaimed, “Because I have A LOT left on my hands.” 

~

Psssssht. Whatever.

Twenty bucks says MY kid has a pink leash and tutu on it by Wednesday.

~

just yelled up the stairs ...

"Come get your DIRTY SOCKS out of the living room ... that's so GROSS!

And grab mine too, while you're at it."

:D

You know you're a mom when ...

the baby-girl has a clay-mask on and you still recognize the
"I'm tinkling in the tub" look on her face.

:)

I am only 7 inches taller than my 9 year old ...

Any minute now, I'm gonna lose the appearance of having control of the house.

~

What I got for Mother's Day ...

I got TWO cards, huge hugs, my face smothered with smooches and a lotta “I love you, mommy”s.

THEN, I was told there were no bowls clean for someone’s cereal.

AND THEN, I was given a note from the school that someone needs cupcakes for a fundraiser.

The day's still young! I bet I get MORE!

;)

<3

I'm wondering ...

Is it wrong to think the part of Mother’s Day that includes silent, still cartoon-watching is the best part of the day ... ?

(OK, OTHER than the hugs’n’kisses’n’presents’n’ blah blah blah)

;)

was at H&M with the baby-girl yesterday ...

Showed her a romper I thought was super cute & the look on the kid’s face said

“my mom is gonna make me wear something dumb” ... so I put it back.

And hence, the circle of abuse has once more been broken.

:D

bought the baby-girl...

.. her first box of Reese Puffs cereal.

By the way she's studing the box, you'd think she believes it's gonna get her into law school.

~

MMA

I am an expert in the Mixed Mommy Arts ... and a master of Krav Mama.

~

cuts on the countertop

Listening to the kid cut an orange on the counter, not on a cutting board ... and trying to not freak out and be THAT mom.

~

hmmmmmm

I was just told "Dinner's really good, mommy! It's like restaurant food!" 

Methinks someone knows there's a bag of jelly beans  in the cupboard.

~

backrub #facepalm

Got a back rub from the baby-girl tonight ... which was amazing and sooooo relaxing ... until she started asking "Mommy, what are these LINES???"

~

Movie night with MeMe

Watching 16 Candles ...

"Long Duck Dong is a funny name, mommy!" ...

"Why, honey?" ...

"Because! Duck? Hahahaha!"

*phew

~

Saturday morning lessons

Laying on the baby-girl while she watches cartoons, then pretending to pass out and play dead, aren't nearly as much fun when the kid's big enough to shove you onto the floor.

~

who's running this show?

Letting the baby-girl watch TV tonight, even though her room isn't clean.

It's the cute face. Gets me every time.

 

I am not the boss around here. The face is the boss.

 

 

doh! nuts.

MeMe isn't allowed to watch Glee tonight because she was sassy this morning. 

She took the news surprisingly well ...
Probably because it came with a caramel apple fritter.

~

hello, g'mornin'

The upside to raising an empowered kid is that she can make her own breakfast, so you can sleep in a little on Sunday morning.

The downside is that she’ll say to you “Oh... whoa...you look...not good”,
when you do finally roll out of bed.

whoot whooot whooooooot ... whooooooooooot ... whoot-whoot ...

I have to ask w-w-w-why why WHY, with all the music and arts cutbacks in public education, no one has thought to get rid of the perpetually annoying RECORDER???

MeMe & Mommy get rich quick idea # 4,331,842

I’m thinking of pitching a TV show idea to TLC channel called "One kid and stopping", but somehow I don't think they'll be interested.

that's crazy talk

I just asked MeMe if she wanted cinnamon toast for dinner and she said no. 

Now she’s shredding up her Justin Bieber magazines.

It’s official. 

The baby-girl has an acute case of dementia due to gastro-intestinal cootie disease.

~

O-C-D-O-G

I have realized, when the baby-girl is sick, the true depth of the border collie's obsession with her is revealed. 

Some's prolly natural herding and protective instinct, some's prolly cuz the kid smells like barf.

cartoons are educational

I’m working on a writing assignment for the course I’m taking ... and realizing everything I know about monologuing I learned from watching The Incredibles.

Love and other ingredients

Love is torturing yourself by baking delicious-smelling coconut muffins for your kid, even when you’re on low-carb and can’t eat any.

New-millennium, honest motherhood is sneaking Benefibre and protein powder in the muffin batter,  and admitting it's partly out of spite.

Who IS this kid?

I asked MeMe what she did at school today and she replied,

“First recess, I stayed inside to practice a cheer for an assembly.  Middle recess, I went to drawing club. Last recess, I played with my recess buddy. He’s a little boy that I hang out with sometimes, cuz he needs special help.”

To the nice, friendly, helpful lady who was in the maternity wing at the same time as me:

I think I got your kid.

Hilarious things MeMe said/did: # 3,802, 344

[laying on the couch]

Mommy: Skootch over, I'mma lay down.

MeMe: Why?

Mommy: Cuz I'mma love you up.

MeMe: But I'm watching cartoons.

Mommy: No, you're not, you're gonna snuggle with me.

MeMe: Mommy, I'm going to love you AND I'm going to watch cartoons.

[tickle fight, mommy wins]  ... :D

Mommy: How're you feeling?

MeMe: Huh?

Mommy: How're you feeling?

MeMe: Good.

Mommy: Like what ... how're you good?

MeMe: MOMMY, are you asking me my MOOD? Do you even KNOW what that IS??? Get off me. Tom and Jerry's on. THAT'S my mood.

SalaMeMe Sammich

(this is why I need caffeine asap in the morning) 

Mommy: What’ya want for lunch? Turkey sammich or salami sammich? 

MeMe: Salami sammich. 

Mommy:  Cheese? 

MeMe: Yeah, please. 

Mommy: But no butter or mayo? Last time you said you didn’t like it. 

MeMe: No, I don’t like it when the butter gets on the salami or the cheese. It gunks them up. 

Mommy: But if it’s in the sammich, does it matter? 

MeMe: I take it out. 

Mommy: You what? 

MeMe: I take it out. I take it apart. And then I hate when the stuff’s all gunky. 

Mommy: But do you eat the bread? Wouldn’t it be dry? 

MeMe: Yeah. I eat it. Yeah. It’s dry. 

Mommy: But if you take it apart anyhow, do you just want me to leave it apart? I can make it all separate. 

MeMe: Then I can just build it? 

Mommy: Yep. But then ... if the salami and cheese don’t get gunked because they’re separate., do you want butter? 

MeMe: OK,  but what kind of bread is it? If it’s a bun, butter. If it’s bread, then prolly no butter. Or can you give me butter in a little container? 

Mommy: That’s called a deconstructed sammich. 

MeMe: A whuh? 

Mommy: A deconstructed sammich. When it’s all the parts, but they’re separated. 

MeMe: I don’t know why you have to make it so complicated, mommy.

New on the life to-do list

I would like to buy out Hasbro and promptly fire all of the hearing-impaired toy designers who are immune to loud obnoxious electronic noises.